Be strong enough to be vulnerable!

Do you ever feel like your life is going a little too fast, that there are just not enough hours in the day and no matter what you do you are constantly chasing your tail or adding to the to do list. How great would it be to press the pause button or even slow play and just take yourself out of whatever intense environment you are in, remove the emotion and make decisions with a clear head. The last few weeks have been a bit like this for me, it almost felt like I had increased the speed too much on the treadmill and my body was loosing control as it tried to keep up with my legs as they raced not to fall off the treadmill, losing all sense of control and balance and my main focus was to keep upright, even if I looked like a dog on roller skates, with limbs going in all directions. Needless to say it was inevitable that I would fall off the treadmill at some stage but how this happened surprised me a little.

A few of my friends have been going through stressful times recently and I have stepped in offering my shoulders as pillows, providing an endless supply of chocolate and the odd bottle of wine! This is nothing new, I like to be there for people that are close to me. I like that my friends feel they can talk to me and share their fears and worries. I will never say I told you so, I don’t do the tough love thing and don’t judge, they are my friends and that’s part of a great friendship but I found myself in a very strange situation last week. I needed the shoulder, I needed the reassurance but I really struggled in asking for it. I find it so easy to be there for other people, listening and helping them work out a solution or getting rid of the negative thoughts and having a more positive outlook but yet when it comes to me I put up walls and find it difficult to talk even to my closest friends. I could feel myself clamming up last week, putting on a brave face and trying to smile through it but people around me continued to ask what was wrong and tell me I wasn’t myself but I couldn’t let anyone in. I got half way through the week and I hit a wall, I took some time out and started asking myself why I found it so easy to carry other people through their worries and problems yet found it so difficult to be held through mine?

It wasn’t an easy answer question, well actually the answer was pretty simple but the realization and acceptance was the tough part. A few weeks ago a friend of mine was going through a stressful time and I only discovered she was struggling when I walked in on her really upset after a yoga class. She, like me, is a very bubbly happy positive person and I was surprised to find her so upset. She was at that point of the treadmill going too fast and not feeling like she could press the slow down button, the constantly chasing her legs to keep up and the pressure to keep going so as not to fall flat on her face. We talked, hugged, cried and laughed. I told her I was always there for her and that she should just let it all out and let me and others close to her help her and hold her had for a change and then she said it- She finds it hard to be held. At the time I empathized with her, faintly acknowledging that maybe I had the same issue on a much smaller level and I reassured her that we all need to be helped and she was only human. She had a big pot of mixed emotions and the more she tried to keep the lid on the more it was going to constantly boil over until she lifted the lid, let the steam off and let the pot simmer down.

Well last week I realized that I was holding on tight to that lid on my own pot, I was afraid to let go and verbalise my fears and I was afraid to be held. Why? Insecurity, lack of confidence and the fear of being vulnerable. When you are other people’s go to person, it is very easy to forget about your own worries and fears. But as I discovered the more you try to keep it all in the more it needs to come out. Last week I realized that being strong was not about keeping everything locked up inside that was me being afraid to express how I really felt…. Being strong is allowing myself to be vulnerable, to feel my emotions and to ask for that shoulder when I need it!  As I found out…. Friendship is not a big thing….. it is a million little things!