Listening to others.... Losing you!

One of my students gave me inspiration today as we were walking out of class she started talking about the course she was studying in college…. In her final year of a Masters in psychology she said she was constantly told to forget the studies and works other people had done, to not listen to other people or be influenced by other peoples works in order to determine her allow her own judgment and opinions to form…. This translated into a really simple analogy for me regarding yoga… As much as listening to other people’s theories, ideas and opinions can influence your own thoughts, decisions and actions on a daily basis the same is true for your yoga practice.

As a teacher I see it all the time, some students become so focused on what other students are doing they lose their own practice. When I am teaching a class I try to subtly remind my students throughout very class to be mindful of their own bodies and how they are feeling in that practice. I encourage them to listen to their bodies and work within their own limits not worrying about what other people are doing but yet often this falls on deaf ears. No matter how often you offer modifications or alternatives some students will be totally led by others around them and they totally lose their own practice.

So why do we find it so hard to listen to our own bodies, work within our own limits and work to get the most we can out of each practice, for our own bodies on that day? Is it a competitive thing, a need to impress those around us in a work environment, which somehow carries through to the yoga studio or even a social setting?

It made me think… In self-practice it is easier to stay focused on your own mat space and work within your own body because there is no one else to disctract you…. As in life! Often when we are on our own we feel strong and confident in our decisions but then crumble or loose faith when we listen to other people’s comments, opinions and criticisms. Over the last few months as I have dived into my little yoga buzz I have been faced with many challenges on and off the mat. I have had to make some tough decisions, which caused adverse reactions from friends and family. I have had countless people wanting to give me their opinion on what I was doing with my career, sometimes positive, sometimes negative. At first I listened and tried to ignore the negativity and focus on what I felt inside and tried to stay true to my feelings but the more I listened the harder it became and I got lost.

No matter how strong you are or how determined you are when you are in a negative environment or are continuously knocked back it is bound to rub off in some way. It may spur you on to be even more successful, it may throw you totally off course and allow the fear gates to flood open so that you lose your confidence…. A 101 things could happen but whatever the impact, it will absolutely cause a reaction and have an effect.

Having experienced this in both a professional office setting and also on my little yoga journey I can only share my learning’s as I have found them… the most important person to listen to is yourself, on and off the mat. Do not rely on the opinions of others to determine your path or your practice…. It is your life live it your way and always remember be true to yourself, the important people in your life will always love you…. Even if you make a mistake!

Don’t be afraid to fall down, believe in your ability to pick yourself up! 

The challenge of a compliment!

How do you react when someone gives you a compliment? Do you laugh it off, deflect it, nearly embarrassed to acknowledge it or are you comfortable enough to accept it and thank the person? For me taking a compliment however big or small, from random strangers, friends or people I love can be difficult.

Growing up I have really struggled with this one- even something simple like when someone says ‘Oh I like your dress” I feel the need to tell them that it was a bargain- where I got it and how much it cost! Instead of just saying thank you! Or when someone tells me my hair looks lovely or I look great- I automatically deflect it in one way or another and come up with something that’s wrong like ‘My roots are awful, my skin is terrible, my jeans are too tight… do I need to go on?! If you are nodding your head or even smiling a little you know exactly what I mean. On the other hand if you are curiously raising your eyebrows thinking ‘What is she talking about?’ You are in that group of people I am learning to be like- slowly! J

I often wonder where this aversion to compliments came, I remember as a child loving being told how pretty I looked or how lovely my dress was. I was a bit of a wannabe actress I think and loved the attention. I would perform in front of any crowd who wanted to watch me dance, sing and often I just did it for me. I remember standing in front of my mums full-length mirror and singing my heart out into the hairbrush…. But somewhere along the way I lost that and it turned into something I shy away from. There are certain times when it is worse, when I go through tough times at work, personally or in relationships…. If my confidence is knocked I notice I deflect anything that even looks like it could be a positive comment or comes close to a compliment.

I used to think it was a girl thing or even just a me thing… but as I have grown up I have come to believe it is both, and I have also discovered it is not just limited to women. Men often shy away from compliments too, perhaps sometimes for different reasons, but I find it interesting when I compliment a guy and he deflects it straight away or pulls out the quickest joke he can think of to avoid that gratitude moment. So I now think it is a universal thing, we deflect compliments so we don’t appear cocky, stuck up or vain to other people! It’s funny really when you think of it…. If someone tells you ‘You look great and you reply ‘I know, thanks’ there is this perception that you love yourself…. And we think of that as a bad thing. Would it not be so much better to be able to respond to a compliment with a smile and acceptance and let yourself feel great for whatever compliment it is? After all if you don’t love yourself how can you expect other people to love you or how can they truly love you if you are putting up walls and barriers, constantly trying to create an image or live up to other peoples expectations.

So I started to look at it in a different way… instead of how I feel when I am given a compliment I thought about how I feel when I give someone a compliment. Whether it is a friend, family member, loved one… it doesn’t matter I only say it because I really think it and truly mean it…. So when they brush it off or shy away from it, it just ruins the intention.  This is how people close to me must feel when I hide from compliments and laugh them off. So I set myself a challenge… to take compliments as they are intended. It may sound simple but as I am learning it is a challenge… however I am also learning the rewards are great. The first thing I do when I get a compliment now is smile, I don’t speak, deflect or laugh I just smile and think for a minute that maybe just maybe it’s true! And trust me…. It is a much nicer feeling.

It is not a miracle cure but I am slowly noticing a change in my reaction…. It is a bit scary at first but stick with it and challenge yourself to be a little more open minded about how great you are! 

Falling off the mat.... finding you!

Have you ever 'fallen off the mat'? Does this mean you stop doing yoga or are you just focusing on your off the mat practice? As I found, sometimes stepping off the mat can teach you more about what you really need in your practice. 

Over the 8 years I have been practicing yoga my practice has totally transformed! In so many ways…  obviously now that I am a yoga teacher and I have taken various courses I understand the body better, I understand the poses in a different way and I have learnt about the history and philosophy of yoga. But taking the teacher part out of it, I am still a yoga student and looking back, my own yoga practice has been one interesting journey.

So the first few years I struggled with my own body, not with the flexibility but actually the opposite… learning to pull back in order to connect with the poses. This really took a while to learn to understand my body’s limits and working to them- maintaining the challenge without losing the pose. This is an ongoing challenge, keeping my mind focused on my body and maintaining that inner sense of what I need on any given day.  After a few years I started practicing yoga 6 days a week and became almost addicted to it…. I really missed my practice when I didn’t go to the studio. I hadn’t really found my self-practice, I just found it hard to do a practice on my own. I also wasn’t allowing myself to get the full benefits of yoga. So pushing my body really hard during the class and then letting my mind race during Savasna not letting my body relax or my mind calm down.

The battle of my mind was a difficult one…. I have always been an ‘on the go’ person. I find it hard to relax and switch off. I do everything at full speed, a friend of mine once told me I don’t walk- I hover, because my feet barely touch the ground. But when I finally found that connection with my mind and allowed myself to let the thoughts go, first of all during my practice and then during Savasna, it completely transformed not only my practice but my love and appreciation for yoga. This was when yoga became so much more than an on the mat practice for me.

However, I hit a little bump in my yoga journey, well more like ran straight into a hurdle and I stopped practicing for about 6months. I had moved to London and was working long hours in my job and found myself very stressed. I probably needed my practice then more than ever but I lost touch with the mat and started running. I found running great to help me de-stress- I got my exercise but I also used it as time to process my day and try to separate my work life from my personal life. Looking back now I think I was afraid to let my mind be quiet. I knew I wasn’t happy where I was but I really wanted to make it work. In short I fell off the mat.  I was a bit disappointed in myself for letting this happen, I never fell out of love with yoga I just did the classic ‘Ross & Rachel’ we are on a break thing! But it didn’t last long and I finally listened to my heart, my brain and my body and stepped back onto the mat. It was funny though, I remember rolling out my mat… and just standing looking at it for a few minutes. I’m not sure why.... I don’t know if I expected to see a ‘Do not enter’ sign or find it covered in dust…. but I didn’t find anything different from the last time I had practiced. I just found that lovely sense of calmness and me space I had been missing.

I have mentioned this to a few people recently and I was happy to hear that I was not on my own…. other friends have also gone through times where they can’t do as much practice as they would like or even stop totally for a while but I have also realized you never lose your yoga. Before I trained to be a teacher I looked on this period of my life as the time I didn’t do yoga…. Whereas now I understand it was just the time in my life where I focused on my off the mat practice, because that’s what I needed.

Your mat is like a true best friend…. You can see each other every day and always have something to talk about or you can go long periods of time with no contact and whenever you do see each other it’s exactly the same! 

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Never lose who you are…. For anyone!

This week has been interesting…. Quite the rollercoaster and it’s only Wednesday! My little yoga buzz is starting take shape…. My timetable is filling up, I’m teaching most days and really loving it. When I get those scary moments and start to worry about money or the future I step on my mat and it instantly calms me, however I have to admit there have even been a few tears on the mat this week. I never want to loose that safe place of my mat, my little yoga buzz was and is all about me following my dream, taking a risk and leaping out of my comfort zone to be happier, more content, to teach, do yoga and to step out of that crazy rat race and erratic pressure. However, the reality is I live in London – a fabulous city but also very expensive so my little dream needs to give me that financial security too. This week has been a bit stressful- that unknown and fear element crept in and I suddenly found that when what you love becomes what you do there is a very fine balance between maintaining that passion and love and managing the business side of things so that I can truly enjoy it and not get swept up into another rat race.

I knew it wasn’t going to be easy and I knew it wouldn’t all fall into place over night but I am also the kind of person that likes to be in control of certain things, I have always had a regular pay check coming in at the end of the month and never had to worry about splashing out and treating myself. Suddenly I don’t have that regular payday, that financial security or even the comfort of knowing I belong to something or that I am part of a team. I have had some great support along the way and some close friends and family have been amazing but at the end of the day it comes down to me. This is really scary for me, I live with my heart, I find it hard to remove the emotional element, especially when it is something important to me. So if it is work, friendships, relationships etc. I do it will all my heart, I give it 110% and this is just me. This is not a bad quality, in fact I think it is a great thing but it does have it’s negative points…. I take things personally; in any of the above situations when something doesn’t work out I take it as a negative reflection on me and automatically retreat into myself, I shy away from people, crowded places, the big baggy jumpers come out and my confidence tumbles.

So I know there are going to be knockbacks as I try to get my business up and running the way I want it to be, there are going to be bumps, things won’t always work out as I plan and I know how I will react. Before maybe I would have tried to cover that up but now I accept that is who I am and sometimes my emotions will get in the way and they will always be a part of everything I do because if they weren’t I wouldn’t be me. I’m willing to take the hits, run smack into the hurdles and pick up some scars along the way but I am not willing to change me for yoga or anyone.

It is easy for people to judge and tell me not to be silly, I have everything going for me, it’s only a job, or its just the circumstances but sometimes you just need to listen to how you feel and go with it! If something doesn’t feel right don’t do it but never don’t do something because of what you think other people might say or want. If you are happy about something smile, if you are sad about something cry and ask for that hug. It might surprise you who is by your side when you are struggling or when you reach out for that extra support. A lot of people talk the talk but your true friends will never leave you alone when you are upset even if you ask them to, they will never tell you to stop crying and they will always listen. So for me friendship is one of the most important things in the world- some of my closest friends live on the other side of the world but that doesn’t matter. Friendship is also the foundation of the best relationships of the heart, true friendship is one of those things that can withstand the toughest storm. It is not something that comes easy but it is always worth the effort, reach out to your friends and hold them close in your arms and in your heart. They are the people that will always love you- even on the bad days! 

Even if they are not by your side your friends will always be there…. Next time you are having a bad day maybe try what I did this week… step on your mat smile through the tears and remember never change you, never lose who you are…. For anyone!

EB xxx 

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