My Struggle with Savasana?.... What's the point!

I remember my first yoga class about 8 years ago…. Having first tried it at home in my bedroom using flashcards I wasn’t too sure it was for me. However, a few of my friends had jumped on the yoga train and it was all they could talk about so I decided to give it a proper go and signed up for some classes in my local studio. I was surprised by how much I liked it, but I have to be honest it was definitely all about the physical aspect to start.

The teacher was talking about moving with your breath, I didn’t really see the point in that, so I just stuck with twisting my body into the crazy shapes the teacher was demonstrating. Having done a lot of gymnastics and dance growing up flexibility wasn’t really the challenge for me- it was those few minutes at the end where the teacher told us to lie down and relax, to switch off our minds and let go of all thoughts and come into relaxation…. Savasana. From my first class this was a struggle for me! Looking back now I can see the biggest change that has happened on my yoga journey is my ability to switch off, to focus on my breath and leave the hustle and bustle of my every day life off the mat- both during the class and in Savasana. However, it is definitely not a challenge I have managed to conquer but more like an ongoing battle that still manages to get one up on me now and again.

It’s funny, as a teacher I see it in most of my classes with my students- it comes to Savasana and there is such a divide in the room- the students who switch off instantly and are almost asleep before you say the word Savasna, the students who take a little time to settle, do some stretches and try out a few different positions before they can lie still and then the people who are counting down the seconds until I say ‘start to take some nice gentle movements’ and they spring back up to sit, rushing to get back to their busy day. This last yogi, was me and sometimes still is. For the first 18months at least after I started practicing yoga regularly I used to wish away that relaxation time at the end of class. I just didn’t see the point of it. For the first few months I got quite agitated waiting for the teacher to sit us all up, and then I thought I had cracked it and I used the time to plan the rest of my day- to sort out the to do’s bouncing around in my head, decide what I needed for dinner…. I could go on! Don’t worry I know how crazy it sounds but at the time I felt it was the best way to use my time. I just couldn’t switch off.

I say my struggle with Savasana because this is really what it was… I used to look around the room and see the other students flaked out and wish I could do the same but for some reason I couldn’t get there. However my ‘aaaaaahhhhh’ moment came totally unexpectedly in a class one day when I lay down in Savasna and really felt my body start to feel heavy, I was tired, drained from work and I just took some nice deep breaths and felt my body totally relax. I know it sounds simple but this really was a massive moment for me… I left the class floating, feeling calm and content and for once not rushing a hundred miles an hour to get on with the next thing in my day. I walked back to my car at the slowest pace I think I have ever walked at and that night I slept better than I had in months. From that class on Savasana went from being a wasted few minutes of class to being one of the most important elements of the class for me. When I think of it now I smile to myself when I think of how questioned the purpose of Savasana…

So as I have come to appreciate and value Savasana at the end of every yoga class I do still struggle sometimes to find the off switch. I don’t beat myself up over it I just know that sometimes I have a lot going on in my head and I can still find it difficult to let go and totally relax. But rather than get frustrated I just take the time to breathe. I did a workshop last week with one of my favourite teachers and I was really surprised that when it came to Savasana I could not shut down. I was over thinking it, couldn’t get comfortable, I was too hot, too cold, had an itch, needed to stretch… you name it! It seemed my body was fighting it in every way it could, so I just smiled to myself and used the time to breathe. The teacher had said in the class to let your breath be like music, so I just lay there and smiled.

After so many years and so many yoga classes it seems Savasana still likes to show me it can’t be taken for granted!

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Do you ever really conquer your fears? Or just learn to deal with them?

Fear is a funny thing, it has a way of working its way through your thoughts. I have found it often stems from one thing but then spills over into all the different areas of your life and manifests itself into something worlds away from the initial cause.

Everyone experience fear throughout their lives, if you are like me it will be a weekly occurrence but I guess it’s how you deal with it that makes the difference. Fear is a natural thing, we can fear the unknown, the future, change in personal or professional circumstances often sparks fear so how do we learn to deal with it and not let it take over…  For me fear has a great habit of leading me to have those one sided conversations in my head which turn into a much bigger deal than the original source. So rather than voicing my fear and tackling it head on I shy away, almost hiding from it hoping it will just pass. Although you would think after 29years I would have learned that hiding from your fear is the worst thing you can do, it doesn’t go away, it is always there and eventually it comes back and I have to deal with it!

For anyone who has been reading ‘My little yoga buzz’ you will be very familiar with my fall on my face incident trying to do a forearm balance in the middle of a studio. What a journey it has been to get to a stage where I can now balance in pincha without the security of the wall… So many learning’s came from that one class and fall. Not letting my ego onto the mat, staying true to my own practice and not to feel intimidated with what other people / teachers expect or ask me to do in a class- this one was a particular struggle. But most importantly for me I think was the positive impact it has had on my teaching. For anyone who hasn’t read my blog before that was a short recap, we are all on the same page now!!

A few weeks ago I wrote about conquering my fear and finally getting my forearm balance, all be it in my own sitting room…. I honestly thought I had mastered the pose and was over the whole incident. However last week I had a real challenge. I was sitting outside a studio waiting to go into class, I was really looking forward to the class, I had heard a lot about the teacher and although I hadn’t tried her class before I had met her a few times and just knew I would love her teaching style. It was a teachers class, I didn’t really know what to expect but whilst I was passing the time on my phone I looked up and saw another teacher waiting for the class just like me…. Whilst I was sitting she was hanging out in handstand- very impressive but also slightly intimidating! The class began and just as I had imagined Mollie was a fabulous teacher, she has a great presence about her a lovely start to the class …. Then it happened! ‘Lets work into Pincha’- my body went into a cold sweat…. I could feel my heart racing, my skin getting clamy and I just knew my face was like a tomato. I had no control over it!

Here I was in the centre of the room, forearms on the mat, déjà vu, and fear was jumping all over me! So I sat up and spoke, I shared my previous experience and fear with the room. I wasn’t prepared to let me ego take over again, so I asked for help. It was very obvious to everyone in the room, none of whom I had met before, that I was nervousand rather than laugh or judge me they encouraged and supported me, before I knew it I was hanging out in pincha…. And loving it! ‘Learn to fall’ they told me, ‘practice falling’ – now I’m not going to lie this sounded crazy to me. When I got to that lovely balance place in pincha why would I fall out of it??? But this was the best advice they could have given me…. It turns out I was not afraid of the pose but of the fall! Over the last few months I have been focusing on achieving the pose rather than dealing with the real fear…. The fall!!!

So for the last week that’s exactly what I have done… I work into my pincha and then I fall. It was a bit strange to start but now…. I am quite the falling pro. Have I really conquered my fear now?…. Who knows. No doubt there will be more learnings on this journey and plenty of falls. But I do know voicing my fear was nowhere near as scary as I thought it would be!

Feel the fear and do it anyway!

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Take a chance on you... Be brave enough to fall!

Last week I found myself running faster than my legs could carry me… you know when you are trying to do so many things at once that you feel nothing is actually getting done properly and you are constantly chasing your tail. I honestly felt like I was on a treadmill and someone kept increasing the speed until my toes were barely touching the ground… that someone was me! The me of old. Now don’t get me wrong I had a really good week I taught some great new classes, picked up a few cover classes which turned out to be great fun and I kept up with my own practice every day – often finding myself in poses that I had never quite reached before but by then end of the week I felt bunt out, definitely in need of a battery recharge.

It’s not the first time I have tried to fit too much into my week and because of the type of person I am, who hates letting people down I just keep saying yes and the person who suffers is me- whether it’s skipping meals to fit some extra work in or not sleeping with too much buzzing around in my head. I also know it won’t be the last time I take on too much…. But there was a big difference now when I do it. So at the end of last week although I felt shattered I was so happy, I knew all I needed was a good sleep and a quiet(ish) J day and I would be back on track. So why was it different? Because it is my business, it is my decision to take on the extra workload or not and if I need some time off… I can take it. I am very lucky to be able to wake up every day and love the job I do, I never have that Sunday evening fear or Monday morning dread and although I love the weekend I don’t wake up on a Monday and begin the countdown to Friday- I used to! I honestly used to wish my week away looking forward to Friday, I found myself in my mid twenties wishing away my weeks- why? Because I wasn’t happy… I have met so many people- friends, students etc. who tell me they are not happy in their jobs and I cant totally relate to it because not so long ago that was me. Now I look back and think why didn’t I make the move earlier? 

Hindsight is a great thing and this journey has not been a totally smooth sailing... but I am definitely enjoying steering this ship and getting it through the storms which makes those sunny days so much better. I still have worries and fears but they are related to different things now. I bet anyone who has left that security of a full time job with a regular pay-check and swapped it to follow a dream or a hunch and set up something of their own will relate to that fear of how you are going to pay your bills. For me the first few months were so scary when it came to money, I had countless ‘freak out’ moments wondering what had possessed me to give up a secure well paid job to follow my heart and do what I wanted to do for a living, to love getting up every day and going to work, who was I kidding. However  as time went on I started listening to my heart even more. The less I worried and the more I just went with it the better things started to be. Things just started to happen, job opportunities started to come from the craziest and most unsuspecting places and I started to relax more. That fear quickly faded and was replaced by confidence and an even stronger sense of passion and determination to stick to my dream.

To answer my own question- what stopped me from making the move earlier? It was me! Part of it was the risk factor, fear of the unknown but to be honest the biggest part was not valuing myself enough. Not letting myself realize that it’s ok to do exactly what I want to do in life and not worry what anyone else thinks. Teaching yoga is what I love to do, it’s what makes me happy and in the last 6months it has opened up so many doors and opportunities for me. It took me a while to find what I wanted to do, what I really wanted to do… and even longer to get the courage and confidence to do it! It’s not a decision that happened overnight, it is one I make every day… and i am loving it. 

My advice to anyone who wants to do something different with their life- take a chance on you!! Be brave enough to fall, you are strong enough to pick yourself up. Every time you fall, learn from it and use every set back as a stepping stone to get you to your goal. 

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Feel the fear and do it anyway! Be prepared to fall but don’t let that mean you are prepared to fail…

A few months ago I fell flat on my face, literally, in a yoga class and it totally knocked my confidence on the mat. My ego took a bruising, along with my nose, and I lost my ‘give it a go’ attitude. I found myself taking the easy option in arm balances, hanging out beside my new best friend- the wall! Not the best thing for a yoga teacher… and initially I struggled to get me confidence back, but just like any ‘falling flat on your face moment’ the only way to get over it is face your fear, to go against every instinct in your body that tells you to run away…. Feel the fear, prepare to fall but don’t prepare to fail!

Whether it is on or off the yoga mat I’m sure we can all remember numerous times where we fell flat on our face… freezing in a really important work presentation, getting a roasting from your boss in front of your work colleagues, tripping up in the street in your just too high stilettos or like me trying to do some crazy yoga pose and landing on your face. Whatever your story I’m sure you are familiar with that feeling of embarrassment, cheeks burning, wanting the floor to open and swallow you up… you just want to get out of wherever you are and forget about the whole experience.

Well for anyone who knows me they will know I am familiar with all of the above- so yes I have fallen on my face many times, in lots of different ways. Unfortunately, it is not one of things that gets easier the more it happens. You may learn from the experience but I can honestly say with all this practice, I have not become better able to deal with it!  My most recent fall, where I almost broke my nose, was slightly different from the others… usually I come away from these embarrassing situations and just forget about them… but this one really stuck with me. The particular class I went to was pretty advanced, full of yogis who had no problem balancing on any part of their body for any amount of time and twisting and turning themselves like an elastic band. I, on the other hand, am not quite at that stage. However, Instead of me working to my own level I pushed myself too far, I let the pressure of the teacher’s words and other students abilities distract me- not that they did or said anything but my ego decided to jump onto the mat and all of a sudden there I was in the middle of the studio kicking up into a forearm balance- which I didn’t normally practice and before I knew it my fear factor kicked in and I fell straight down onto my face- followed closely by my body thudding to the floor in the most un-ladylike manner you can imagine- roll on serious embarrassment, a very sore face and a major bashing to my confidence. Definitely my biggest fall on my face moment!

I didn’t quite bounce back from this one… For the first few weeks after my fall I didn’t even attempt forearm balances in my self practice and found myself shying away from handstands too. As a yoga teacher this is not a good habit to get into. So after a month of nurturing my bruised ego I decided enough was enough I was going to tackle my forearm balance, or pincha to us yogis! Every day I tried it in my self-practice, I started off close to the wall and slowly but surely moved away into the centre of the room. I prepared myself for the falls and yes there were many but I also knew it was the only way to learn. Last Saturday I had the music blaring doing my own little yoga buzz and without even thinking I lifted up into my pincha and just held it…. No wobbling, no thudding to the floor, I even smiled! I felt like I had won first prize in a really big competition- slightly dramatic maybe but honestly I was so happy with myself.

Just as I have done before in work situations where I have fallen flat on my face I picked myself up. I have realized that whatever the situation, for me the best way to get over it is to face the same situation again head on…. It doesn’t mean I won’t fall… I am prepared to fall but I am definitely not prepared to fail!

If there is something that has knocked your confidence recently- on or off the mat… Feel the fear and do it anyway! 

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