Love you…. Just the way you are!

You know the saying the grass is always greener?... So I took a chance I saw the greener grass on the other side and I decided to check it out!

Last year when I decided to make the leap out of the corporate world and become a yoga teacher full time I dreamed of a calmer, more relaxed life where I didn’t stress as much or worry as much and definitely not work as hard- I would have more time for me with the added bonus of being super flexible of course from spending my days doing yoga! So 9 months on how does the actual reality compare…

It is different to what I expected-which is not a bad thing, now instead of dreaming about it I am living it. It is always easier to look at things from the outside and make a judgment, seeing only the pieces you want to see and wearing your rose coloured glasses to cover the rest. The truth, it has been an adventure and a massive learning curve. I am now a full time yoga teacher but I still stress over little things, I still worry- just about different things and yes I still work too hard and sometimes push myself a little bit too much- I have not learnt to say no and as a result me time is often compromised and I end up high tailing it across London to cover a class when in reality I need my bed or a nice catch up with friends.

So what happened to the calm, serene vision… Honestly? Nothing, I could have that but I continue to choose not to, without even knowing I’m doing it. I changed my career, my day-to-day activities but I am still me. I am and always have been a high energy, constantly on the go kind of person and don’t rest easy for long. I generally take on too much and find it hard to say no when asked to do something- balance doesn’t fit too well in my dictionary. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I think my way is the best. I can totally see the downfalls and the bags under my eyes are most definitely telling me to slow down- but seriously I came to a point about 2 months ago where I literally felt I had been slapped in the face. Cue melt down mid lunch in a lovely little restaurant, friends looking at me in shock, willing me to soak up the tears as they continued to splash onto the table- sounds dramatic? It really was! I just realized I had moved from one rat race to another and it as me who was continually increasing the speed on my own treadmill and my poor little legs had enough.

Mini meltdown over I spent the next few days really thinking about where I was and what I needed to change. It sounds so simple when you look at it from the outside in- cut a few classes and don’t work as much, rest more, relax more, say no- easy! But the reality is a much bigger deal- I needed to understand me, listen to me and stop trying to please other people, this was the real challenge. I discovered I naturally thought of other people in a situation before considering the impact on me- When asked to do something I didn’t think about if I actually wanted to do it, I immediately said yes and then worried later about how to move all the other things around to do it- roll on the stress and worry. People who know me will probably be smiling at this point struggling to keep the words ‘I told you so’ from leaping out of their mouth! Yes I know you have told me so many times before but I didn’t really hear it- not properly. It is one of those things you have to learn for yourself- well friends I am learning!

I don’t for a minute think I am now going to be a super chilled, take it as it comes girl- I am a planner, I love being really busy, I often overthink things and stress over the little things but I am me! I am not going to promise not to worry or stress because that would be me trying to be something I am not- however I am finding my ‘No’ voice, I am listening to what I want and not worrying so much about what other people think- yes this is a work in progress but I am  determined to find that balance and so far it feels great!

So the grass on the other side may be a different shade of green, it doesn’t mean it is better, maybe it is, or maybe it is just different. We are creatures of habit, we adapt to our surroundings you can change the setting, your clothes all those material things but you will always be you! Don’t try to change who you are, just learn to love you…. Just the way you are!

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You can't be everything to everyone… be true to you and learn along the way!

When I started teaching yoga one of the things I promised myself was that I would make my classes accessible to all students, I never wanted a student to feel uncomfortable in my class for any reason. I had been in too many yoga classes where I felt out of place for many reasons- everyone else seemed to know each other and I was almost the odd one out, I didn’t understand the Sanskrit names for the poses and was left waiting for other students to move into the pose so I could copy them or I found the teacher intimidating rather than encouraging.

One of the best parts of my job is talking to my students getting to know them a bit better, talking about why they come to yoga, and usually after class getting their feedback, which is always so lovely to hear. To see people totally let go in Savasana makes me smile, no matter what they have done throughout the class, I love seeing my student’s let their body relax and their mind calm. I have been very lucky in my teaching career to date and have had so many wonderful students, some of whom make a big effort to share their positive feedback with me after class or through messages and emails all of which I truly appreciate. I really enjoy teaching and get a buzz and energy out of every class, getting some positive feedback at the end of or after a class is like the extra sprinkles on a beautifully decorated cake- it just adds that extra inch or two to my smile.

A few weeks ago I was teaching a Chakra Balance class, one of my favourites in the week. I really encourage the students to let go in this class, we shake it up a little- literally, loose our inhibitions and even dance. It is such a fun class to teach but in this particular class we were just working through a few ‘alternative’ sun salutations with some nice poses thrown in the middle when I noticed one student getting a little agitated. I didn’t want to draw attention to her but made sure to offer extra modifications. I noticed downdog was the problem so I began encouraging students to drop to their knees and take a break if they needed to. I checked if she was ok but she just shrugged me off so I continued as normal… a few moments later the girl got up and was quite flustered she said  ‘I’m not very good at this, I am going to leave’ and she walked out of the class. For any other yoga teachers out there reading this who have just felt that thump in your heart- yep I know exactly how that feels. I honestly felt like someone had smacked me in the chest with a sledgehammer and I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to run after her to see if she was ok, to encourage her to give it a go and to reassure her that of course she was good at it, there is no right or wrong and her version of every posture was the best version for her… but I had a class full of students in front of me who were already in a marathon downward dog so I took a deep breath, encouraged all my students to do the same and did some big sighs (with my students, telling them to release any tension in their faces- which really was for me to focus… and I carried on).

It took me a few minutes to get my flow back, find my teachers hat and place it firmly on my head. In those first few moments I honestly wanted to run out the door. I couldn’t quite get my head around it. How had I upset this student so much she wanted to leave- but rather than dwell on it I knew I had to continue for the other students. At the end of the class the students were so lovely and I had so many positive comments about how great they felt and what a brilliant class it was. I chatted as normal to them but I had a knot in my stomach thinking about the student who had left.

When I spoke to the studio owner after class she explained that the girl had a problem with downward dog, it brought on panic attacks so she just freaked out on the mat and had to leave- my heart went out to her. I had asked at the start of class if anyone had any injuries, or anything I needed to know but she obviously didn’t feel comfortable telling me so tried to work through it.

Having thought a lot about this after the class I have accepted that it was not my fault. As a teacher I wished I could have done more for that student, but I totally understand why it happened and am reassured that it wasn’t directly linked to my class or teaching. It has also made me realize that there probably will be students who don’t like my classes or style of teaching and that’s ok. I cannot be everyone’s favourite teacher but I can just teach my classes as me, stay true to my values as a yoga teacher and learn along the way. For any other teachers who have gone through similar experiences don’t loose confidence in your teaching, believe in your ability and the reasons you teach that are important to you, stay true to you and don’t be too hard on yourself if you find yourself in the same situation. For any yoga students reading this please don’t be afraid to speak up in a yoga class, find a teacher or teachers you feel comfortable with and ask their advice or tell them if you have something you are working with – we are here to help!

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My Struggle with Savasana?.... What's the point!

I remember my first yoga class about 8 years ago…. Having first tried it at home in my bedroom using flashcards I wasn’t too sure it was for me. However, a few of my friends had jumped on the yoga train and it was all they could talk about so I decided to give it a proper go and signed up for some classes in my local studio. I was surprised by how much I liked it, but I have to be honest it was definitely all about the physical aspect to start.

The teacher was talking about moving with your breath, I didn’t really see the point in that, so I just stuck with twisting my body into the crazy shapes the teacher was demonstrating. Having done a lot of gymnastics and dance growing up flexibility wasn’t really the challenge for me- it was those few minutes at the end where the teacher told us to lie down and relax, to switch off our minds and let go of all thoughts and come into relaxation…. Savasana. From my first class this was a struggle for me! Looking back now I can see the biggest change that has happened on my yoga journey is my ability to switch off, to focus on my breath and leave the hustle and bustle of my every day life off the mat- both during the class and in Savasana. However, it is definitely not a challenge I have managed to conquer but more like an ongoing battle that still manages to get one up on me now and again.

It’s funny, as a teacher I see it in most of my classes with my students- it comes to Savasana and there is such a divide in the room- the students who switch off instantly and are almost asleep before you say the word Savasna, the students who take a little time to settle, do some stretches and try out a few different positions before they can lie still and then the people who are counting down the seconds until I say ‘start to take some nice gentle movements’ and they spring back up to sit, rushing to get back to their busy day. This last yogi, was me and sometimes still is. For the first 18months at least after I started practicing yoga regularly I used to wish away that relaxation time at the end of class. I just didn’t see the point of it. For the first few months I got quite agitated waiting for the teacher to sit us all up, and then I thought I had cracked it and I used the time to plan the rest of my day- to sort out the to do’s bouncing around in my head, decide what I needed for dinner…. I could go on! Don’t worry I know how crazy it sounds but at the time I felt it was the best way to use my time. I just couldn’t switch off.

I say my struggle with Savasana because this is really what it was… I used to look around the room and see the other students flaked out and wish I could do the same but for some reason I couldn’t get there. However my ‘aaaaaahhhhh’ moment came totally unexpectedly in a class one day when I lay down in Savasna and really felt my body start to feel heavy, I was tired, drained from work and I just took some nice deep breaths and felt my body totally relax. I know it sounds simple but this really was a massive moment for me… I left the class floating, feeling calm and content and for once not rushing a hundred miles an hour to get on with the next thing in my day. I walked back to my car at the slowest pace I think I have ever walked at and that night I slept better than I had in months. From that class on Savasana went from being a wasted few minutes of class to being one of the most important elements of the class for me. When I think of it now I smile to myself when I think of how questioned the purpose of Savasana…

So as I have come to appreciate and value Savasana at the end of every yoga class I do still struggle sometimes to find the off switch. I don’t beat myself up over it I just know that sometimes I have a lot going on in my head and I can still find it difficult to let go and totally relax. But rather than get frustrated I just take the time to breathe. I did a workshop last week with one of my favourite teachers and I was really surprised that when it came to Savasana I could not shut down. I was over thinking it, couldn’t get comfortable, I was too hot, too cold, had an itch, needed to stretch… you name it! It seemed my body was fighting it in every way it could, so I just smiled to myself and used the time to breathe. The teacher had said in the class to let your breath be like music, so I just lay there and smiled.

After so many years and so many yoga classes it seems Savasana still likes to show me it can’t be taken for granted!

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Do you ever really conquer your fears? Or just learn to deal with them?

Fear is a funny thing, it has a way of working its way through your thoughts. I have found it often stems from one thing but then spills over into all the different areas of your life and manifests itself into something worlds away from the initial cause.

Everyone experience fear throughout their lives, if you are like me it will be a weekly occurrence but I guess it’s how you deal with it that makes the difference. Fear is a natural thing, we can fear the unknown, the future, change in personal or professional circumstances often sparks fear so how do we learn to deal with it and not let it take over…  For me fear has a great habit of leading me to have those one sided conversations in my head which turn into a much bigger deal than the original source. So rather than voicing my fear and tackling it head on I shy away, almost hiding from it hoping it will just pass. Although you would think after 29years I would have learned that hiding from your fear is the worst thing you can do, it doesn’t go away, it is always there and eventually it comes back and I have to deal with it!

For anyone who has been reading ‘My little yoga buzz’ you will be very familiar with my fall on my face incident trying to do a forearm balance in the middle of a studio. What a journey it has been to get to a stage where I can now balance in pincha without the security of the wall… So many learning’s came from that one class and fall. Not letting my ego onto the mat, staying true to my own practice and not to feel intimidated with what other people / teachers expect or ask me to do in a class- this one was a particular struggle. But most importantly for me I think was the positive impact it has had on my teaching. For anyone who hasn’t read my blog before that was a short recap, we are all on the same page now!!

A few weeks ago I wrote about conquering my fear and finally getting my forearm balance, all be it in my own sitting room…. I honestly thought I had mastered the pose and was over the whole incident. However last week I had a real challenge. I was sitting outside a studio waiting to go into class, I was really looking forward to the class, I had heard a lot about the teacher and although I hadn’t tried her class before I had met her a few times and just knew I would love her teaching style. It was a teachers class, I didn’t really know what to expect but whilst I was passing the time on my phone I looked up and saw another teacher waiting for the class just like me…. Whilst I was sitting she was hanging out in handstand- very impressive but also slightly intimidating! The class began and just as I had imagined Mollie was a fabulous teacher, she has a great presence about her a lovely start to the class …. Then it happened! ‘Lets work into Pincha’- my body went into a cold sweat…. I could feel my heart racing, my skin getting clamy and I just knew my face was like a tomato. I had no control over it!

Here I was in the centre of the room, forearms on the mat, déjà vu, and fear was jumping all over me! So I sat up and spoke, I shared my previous experience and fear with the room. I wasn’t prepared to let me ego take over again, so I asked for help. It was very obvious to everyone in the room, none of whom I had met before, that I was nervousand rather than laugh or judge me they encouraged and supported me, before I knew it I was hanging out in pincha…. And loving it! ‘Learn to fall’ they told me, ‘practice falling’ – now I’m not going to lie this sounded crazy to me. When I got to that lovely balance place in pincha why would I fall out of it??? But this was the best advice they could have given me…. It turns out I was not afraid of the pose but of the fall! Over the last few months I have been focusing on achieving the pose rather than dealing with the real fear…. The fall!!!

So for the last week that’s exactly what I have done… I work into my pincha and then I fall. It was a bit strange to start but now…. I am quite the falling pro. Have I really conquered my fear now?…. Who knows. No doubt there will be more learnings on this journey and plenty of falls. But I do know voicing my fear was nowhere near as scary as I thought it would be!

Feel the fear and do it anyway!

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Take a chance on you... Be brave enough to fall!

Last week I found myself running faster than my legs could carry me… you know when you are trying to do so many things at once that you feel nothing is actually getting done properly and you are constantly chasing your tail. I honestly felt like I was on a treadmill and someone kept increasing the speed until my toes were barely touching the ground… that someone was me! The me of old. Now don’t get me wrong I had a really good week I taught some great new classes, picked up a few cover classes which turned out to be great fun and I kept up with my own practice every day – often finding myself in poses that I had never quite reached before but by then end of the week I felt bunt out, definitely in need of a battery recharge.

It’s not the first time I have tried to fit too much into my week and because of the type of person I am, who hates letting people down I just keep saying yes and the person who suffers is me- whether it’s skipping meals to fit some extra work in or not sleeping with too much buzzing around in my head. I also know it won’t be the last time I take on too much…. But there was a big difference now when I do it. So at the end of last week although I felt shattered I was so happy, I knew all I needed was a good sleep and a quiet(ish) J day and I would be back on track. So why was it different? Because it is my business, it is my decision to take on the extra workload or not and if I need some time off… I can take it. I am very lucky to be able to wake up every day and love the job I do, I never have that Sunday evening fear or Monday morning dread and although I love the weekend I don’t wake up on a Monday and begin the countdown to Friday- I used to! I honestly used to wish my week away looking forward to Friday, I found myself in my mid twenties wishing away my weeks- why? Because I wasn’t happy… I have met so many people- friends, students etc. who tell me they are not happy in their jobs and I cant totally relate to it because not so long ago that was me. Now I look back and think why didn’t I make the move earlier? 

Hindsight is a great thing and this journey has not been a totally smooth sailing... but I am definitely enjoying steering this ship and getting it through the storms which makes those sunny days so much better. I still have worries and fears but they are related to different things now. I bet anyone who has left that security of a full time job with a regular pay-check and swapped it to follow a dream or a hunch and set up something of their own will relate to that fear of how you are going to pay your bills. For me the first few months were so scary when it came to money, I had countless ‘freak out’ moments wondering what had possessed me to give up a secure well paid job to follow my heart and do what I wanted to do for a living, to love getting up every day and going to work, who was I kidding. However  as time went on I started listening to my heart even more. The less I worried and the more I just went with it the better things started to be. Things just started to happen, job opportunities started to come from the craziest and most unsuspecting places and I started to relax more. That fear quickly faded and was replaced by confidence and an even stronger sense of passion and determination to stick to my dream.

To answer my own question- what stopped me from making the move earlier? It was me! Part of it was the risk factor, fear of the unknown but to be honest the biggest part was not valuing myself enough. Not letting myself realize that it’s ok to do exactly what I want to do in life and not worry what anyone else thinks. Teaching yoga is what I love to do, it’s what makes me happy and in the last 6months it has opened up so many doors and opportunities for me. It took me a while to find what I wanted to do, what I really wanted to do… and even longer to get the courage and confidence to do it! It’s not a decision that happened overnight, it is one I make every day… and i am loving it. 

My advice to anyone who wants to do something different with their life- take a chance on you!! Be brave enough to fall, you are strong enough to pick yourself up. Every time you fall, learn from it and use every set back as a stepping stone to get you to your goal. 

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